Below you will find a list of our members.  Now look:  some clan pages let their members write their own bios.  Which is very democratic and all, but most of the bios come out sounding something like this: 
 

REAL NAME:  William Gates  QUAKE NAME:  ChCHING  HEIGHT: 7'8"  WEIGHT:  320, all muscle  FAVORITE WEAPON:  My fists  QUOTE:  "I'm just gonna kick you're ass at Quake, my friend, you wait and see if I don't!  And if that doesn't happen, I'll just take all your money and dance on your grave."  ARCH ENEMY:  [DOJ]Juztis  BIOGRAPHY:  When he's not kicking ass in a deathmatch with DOJ, Bill is out kicking ass on the corporate scene.  In the Justice Department's pending legal action, ChCHING has vowed to take no prisoners.  And while he's snoozing in his hot tub filled with gold coins, with a babe on each arm,  Netscape is hemorraging cash to pay its legal expenses.  Death to DOJ!

 
 

Or some such self-aggrandizing nonsense.  You can see how this gets irritating.  Why is it that every cha-cha with a 3DFX card thinks he's the biggest badass who ever wrapped his sausages around a mouse?  Isn't it enough that some day most of them are going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams because they came up with a game controller that runs on brainwaves? 

So, I, Chzdanish, have decided that if I can't be good at Quake, at least I can make the rules here.  And the first rule is, I write the bios (or at least, I get to edit them. Hee hee!).  Here goes. 

 
 
 

REAL NAME:  Adam Sherson  QUAKE NAME:  Deslock  HEIGHT: 5'11"  WEIGHT:  130 lbs, including Palm III and copy of Teach Yourself Access in 14 Days.  FAVORITE WEAPON: Blaster, Rocket Launcher, Railgun, Hyperblaster,Grenade Launcher,Machine Gun, supershotgun,   QUOTE:  "Say, Chzdanish, I just went out and spent $800 on a new motherboard, processor, and Voodoo II card, and I gained 5 frames per second!  Now I'll continue to kick all your asses.  Here, want my cast-off old video card?  Only twenty five dollars..."  ARCH ENEMY:  Chzdanish (though he doesn't know it yet...)  BIOGRAPHY:  After 10 years of University studies (which he calls his "decade of excellence", and which everyone else calls "fucking off"), Adam has found his place at UMass Transit as the Acting Manager of Information Systems.  This, as we have found out, is a sophisticated euphemism for "the guy who forgets to replace the batteries in the 'uninterruptable' power supply."  Oddly enough, as Deslock, Adam shows his real prowess with information systems;  when Quake doesn't run properly for any reason, it is fixed through a combination of native intelligence, tenacity and hard work.

 

REAL NAME:  Frank Levine  QUAKE NAME:  Barclay  HEIGHT: 5'11"  FAVORITE QUOTE:  "So, Lockheed called today, and I told them that I wouldn't work for less than $1.2 million and a company car, because that's what I'm worth." HOBBIES:  Writing code that is so fucked up, his former co-workers will tear their own limbs off in frustration for months.  BIOGRAPHY:  Having garnered praise for his admittedly stellar work on the UMTS payroll and employee database, Frank continues his tradition of doing nothing, at Lockheed-Martin in his new job.  He hasn't told us what his new job is yet, since it's top secret or something...but rest assured that you, dear reader, will suffer for it in some way.  Imagine the following scenario:  You are sitting in your favorite easy chair, reading a good book.  HAH!  What a laugh;  you haven't read a book in years.  Anyway, your sitting in your favorte chair playing Quake, when from out of the sky comes an unearthly beam of green light, which touches your leg and POOF!  You disappear in a puff of pork-scented smoke.  Your last thought might be to blame the almighty for such an untimely demise, but you should really blame Frank.  Take my word for it.

 

REAL NAME:  LJ Weslowski  QUAKE NAME:  Predator  HEIGHT: 6'  BASIC SUBSTANCE OF WHICH HE IS COMPRISED:  Beanie Weenie and Olean.  FAVORITE WEAPON:  An aspirated screech known to sterilize passersby.  FAVORITE ANIMAL:  The cow, for some reason.  QUOTE:  "YAHOO!" (usually screamed in some unsuspecting, and suddenly deafened, person's ear).  HOBBY:  Spelunking for clean food containers around the Superfund site known as his desk.  Self abuse.  Talking about paintball.  BIOGRAPHY:   Former truck driver for the Army, at some point L.J. decided that he had a neuron or two, and decided to come to college and become UMTS Operations Supervisor.  Now fully rehabilitated from his days as a double-clutching trained killer, Predator has replaced aggression with paintball and Quake.  He also regularly tries to pick up his boss and coworkers, and throw them against the wall, thus proving that you can take the boy out of the Army, but you can't take the Army out of the boy.  His ability to bore you with talk of various paintball weapons is legendary, second only to his ability to eat foods that would render a dog insensate.

 

REAL NAME:  Shannon Williams  QUAKE NAME:   Sasquatch  HEIGHT: 6'4"  FAVORITE WEAPON:  Rocket Launcher  QUOTE:  "...!"  MOST COMMONLY DESCRIBED AS:   A nice man, good bus driver...I never thought of him as a murderer.  I mean, who knew?  He didn't talk all that much.  He mostly just kept to himself.

 

REAL NAME:  Kevin Bjork  QUAKE NAME:  Tuco  HEIGHT: 5'9"  FAVORITE WEAPON:  Railgun  QUOTE:  Something sensible and friendly, probably.  Sickening, isn't it?.  ARCH ENEMY:  Can't think of a one.  Makes Michael Landon look like a violent schizophrenic ax-murderer.  BIOGRAPHY:  As an Engineering major, Kevin's future seems bright, but what he doesn't know is that he's destined to become head writer at Hallmark's Greeting Card division.  Tuco's friendly demeanor and air of general competence means that the author of this site is unable to think of anything to say that disparages him.  So:  Tuco is a jerk.  A complete knee-biter.

 
 

REAL NAME:  Dave Etler  QUAKE NAME:  Chzdanish  HEIGHT: 5'9"  FAVORITE WEAPON:  BFG  QUOTE:  "SherS-O-O-ON-N!"  MISSION IN LIFE:  Build a game controller that runs on brainwaves and make millions.  CHANCES OF SUCCESS:  Incalculably submicroscopic.  WHY HE BOTHERS PLAYING:  "Hey, mediocrity is my life, man."  GETS A CHARGE OUT OF:  Railgunning even the worst player while frantically ignoring the extreme luck it took to achieve such a feat.  BIOGRAPHY:  Consumed with thoughts of growing old, Dave has resolved to deal with the problem by working at UMTS, where he can surround himself with eighteen-to-twenty-two-year-olds.  Recently, while the members of the MTV demographic who work at UMTS were trying to figure out how to get Chzdanish to leave his Staff position, he outsmarted them all by getting himself a cushy full-time staff position, "Coordinator" of safety and training.  HAH!  They'll never get him to leave, now!  AAHHH HA HA HA HA HA!  Of course, he is overlooking with a fervor bordering on religious the fact  that it's just a temporary posting until they can find someone who is actually qualified for the position.  However, Dave figures he can convince the right people to let him stay by exhibiting his native intelligence, emphasizing his organizational skills, and by welding his office door shut and epoxying himself to his chair.

 
 

REAL NAME:  Rob Sterner  QUAKE NAME:  Spiceboy  HEIGHT: 6'2"  FAVORITE WEAPON:  His mouth.  QUOTE:  "Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah..."  MISSION IN LIFE:  Make the Guinness book of records for having the highest number of keys bound to scintillating and witty phrases like "DIE!" and "Heh!"  LIFE'S AMBITION:  To be a character in a William Gibson novel.  FAVORITE THING TO INGEST:  Lithium.  BIOGRAPHY:  When one looks at Rob, one is instantly reminded of the movie Hackers.  Scientists are in their labs this very moment trying to come up with a theory that explains why such a terrible movie could have actually influenced Rob to dress like a William Gibson character. As well, Rob talks so fast and so much that some have theorized that he actually is a self-aware TRS-80 that believes it's communicating directly with humans using a T3. It is the author's opinion that Rob is in some heavy denial about the death of cyberpunk.

 
 

REAL NAME:  Bob  Riley  QUAKE NAME:  Schizophrenic  HEIGHT: 6'  LIKES:  Beer, cigarettes, more beer, more cigarettes.  DISLIKES: Lack thereof.  FAVORITE WEAPON:  His patented "hangover fart" which can singe the nose-hairs of a person thirty feet away.  Although no one has thought of a way to include this in the game, he is nevertheless doing a great deal of R & D.  QUOTE:  "I could help you with that, but it would interfere with my beer consumption, plus I don't like you."  MISSION IN LIFE:  To get the American Psychology Association to adopt a new diagnostic category called "compulsive sarcasm."  BIOGRAPHY:  Probably one of the most annoying people you'll ever have the misfortune to meet, Bob is the living embodiment of the phrase "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."  Believing their son was endowed with an incredibly high IQ, Bob's parents had incredibly high hopes for their son.  Unfortunately, it turned out that the IQ test makers had their signs reversed on a crucial equation.  After obtaining his degree in Biology (that's where all the chicks are...unfortunately for them), in a scant 5 and a half years, Bob has opted to stay at Transit, stating that he needs downtime after his hectic undergrad schedule of two classes a week.

 
 

REAL NAME:  Jeremy Wardwell  QUAKE NAME:  Roswell  HEIGHT: 6' 1"  FAVORITE HAIRCARE PRODUCT:  Tar  FAVORITE MOOD: Schmoozy.  PROBABLE OCCUPATION AFTER TRANSIT:  Used car salesman, lounge singer, senator.  QUOTE:  (shouted through Mr. Microphone) "HEY, GOOD LOOKING!  BE BACK TO PICK Y'UP LATER!"  BIOGRAPHY:  Exuding an oily charisma all his own, Jeremy is by far the smoothest of the UMTS clan members.  After recently clawing his way up the ranks of Transit to pry Chzdanish's ass from his beloved staff position, Jeremy has quickly acclimated to his new position of power, ordering around underlings in a superior tone of voice and abusing his new privileges left and right.  When he isn't squandering taxpayer dollars, he's playing Quake with a fair amount of skill, leaving an oily sheen all over his mouse and keyboard.

 
 

REAL NAME:  Chris Walker-Ray  QUAKE NAME:  Havoc  HEIGHT: 5'11"  HOBBIES:  Drawing pictures of Transformers (no, we don't know why, either).  QUOTE:  "Hey, Bob, didja see this new picture of Megatron?"  BIOGRAPHY:  Chris is a 21 year old Amherst native who still lives with his parents, which explains a few things.  One of the newest members of our clan, Chris has nonetheless showed increased levels of skill in the area of Quake playing.  Chris has the general good attitude and above-average intlligence that assures him a safe and sound future in whatever field he applies himself to, which is why the author hopes he gets hit by a bus REAL soon.