What follows is a list of things that we,
as a clan, hate. It is by no means a comprehensive list, as we
are adding new things to hate every second of every day. Watch
out, you may be next.
People who talk about campers:
You know, before I started playing Quake online, I never heard so
many people bitching about such a ridiculous thing.
Look...the truth is that campers never win a level. Just
rail them and move on. Also, just because you came around
the corner and see someone near a weapon that hasn't respawned
doesn't mean they are a camper. Did you ever think that they
got there just before you did?
Uninterruptable power supplies that
beep for eight weeks straight and whose keepers claim they fixed
although their network messages are still interrupting our Quake
games: Here's the story. For the last two months
or so, the server's UPS has been beeping at least once a day for
anywhere from 30 seconds to, say, 3 minutes at a time. Think
of your alarm clock: loud, insistent, annoying. That
wasn't so bad, despite the fact that obviously the sound wasn't
accomplishing it's designed function of warning the MIS department
that it needed attention. But recently, Deslock 'fixed' it
(probably by saying some mystical MIS spell, such as "Oh,
yes, that'll be fixed next week at the latest.").
Nevertheless, the very next day or so, the UPS not only beeps for
a minute or so, but it suddenly chooses to begin sending out
messages over the network to any Windows '98 computer at the exact
moment that Chzdanish and Predator are running away from some
asshole with a railgun (most likely Deslock, who, conveniently,
was playing from home and therefore was not affected by the UPS's
hissy fit). Quake promptly folded up and fainted, causing
Chzdanish to write this rant.
People who say they'll do a Quake
Clan page and then take a month to get started: This
one's just to keep the MIS department from feeling singled out.
I'm a busy man.
Keys bound to phrases like "You're
a boy playing a man's game." I've got news for you
folks--a good taunt only works once or twice, and should be used
on a different person each time . That way it doesn't lose
it's value as a taunt. Here, try this experiment:
- 1. Locate a mirror big enough to
see your whole face in.
2. Stare into it for forty-five
minutes while saying your name over and over again.
At the end of the experiment, you'll
notice that not only has your name lost it's meaning, but you'll
want to punch yourself in the mouth to boot.
Repetetive "doing-the-dozens"
conversations, inspired by bound keys: Recently, I
witnessed the following conversation while playing Quake:
- THE DUDE: fuck you.
B-TRAIN: Mo fo
THE DUDE: fuck you.
[UMTS]Chzdanish was railed by
[UMTS]Deslock.
B-TRAIN: Mo fo
THE DUDE: fuck you.
[UMTS]Chzdanish was railed by
[UMTS]Predator.
THE DUDE: fuck you.
THE DUDE: fuck you.
B-TRAIN: Mo fo
B-TRAIN: Mo fo
[UMTS]Chzdanish was railed by
[UMTS]Deslock.
THE DUDE: fuck you.
THE DUDE: fuck you.
I think you'll see that there is a
rather disturbing circularity to this conversation (especially if
you leave in the game's messages about Chzdanish). The
question is this: has Quake's ability to allow the user to
bind keys to phrases like 'Mo fo' really enhanced the game for
anyone (beyond The Dud and B-Train)?
In addition, I am wondering whether such
features are teaching our young people how to interact
successfully with others of their peer group (I am sure that both
The Dude and B-Train are somewhere between 12 and 13.
Approximately). Let us imagine for a moment that
[UMTS]Deslock, in his capacity of MIS Manager, is interviewing one
of these people for an open position in his department.
Applying for the job is The Dude. Deslock is conducting the
interview with The Dude while they are both connected to a Quake
server (if you knew Deslock, you would know that such an idea is
not entirely unrealistic). I imagine the interview would go
something like this:
- [UMTS]Deslock: Why are you
applying for this position?
THE DUDE: fuck you.
[UMTS]Chzdanish was railed by
[UMTS]Roswell.
[UMTS]Deslock: I see.
Can you tell me the function of a subnet mask in TCP/IP?
THE DUDE: fuck you.
[UMTS]Deslock: Are you in fact
a sensate human being?
THE DUDE: fuck you.
THE DUDE: fuck you.
[UMTS]Chzdanish was railed by
[UMTS]Predator.
THE DUDE: fuck you.
THE DUDE was railed by
[UMTS]Deslock.
You see my point.
Newsflash!
THE DUDE has struck again! In
response to the perfectly reasonable comments above, he has chosen
to weigh in via the Yodas
Barn Message Board. Oh, I'm so excited! It's
nice to have one's sweepingly generalized assumptions about a
person proven right. To wit:
- Posted by THE DUDE on January 28, 1999
at 21:57:45:
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY TO ALL THE
FUCKING QUEERS OVER AT UMTS THAT THEY CAN ALL SUCK ON MY NUTS,
BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY [sic.] FUNNY BY MAKING FUN OF
ME ON THERE [sic.] PUNK ASS WEB PAGE. THEY THINK THEY
[sic.] REAL [sic.] FUNNY AND SHIT[sic.]
WELL ITS [sic.] JUST TOO BAD THEY'RE A BUNCH OF
FUCKING FLAMING QUEERS [sic.] AND I'D LIKE TO LET THEM
KNOW THAT THE DUDE WILL BE MAKING A COMEBACK AT THE BARN SO
THE [sic.] BETTER CHECK THEMSELVES, FOOL [sic.].
[In the interests of fostering
communication between ourselves and the Dude (for whom English is
obviously a second language), the remainder of this topic will be
written in Dudish]
Whell, Dood, wee UMTS fuking qwears ahr
indede cheking rselves, eeven az wee speek. Ef ownly weed
knowd houw apset yud bee et owr rumahrks, weeda naver sed sech
theengs Wee ahr turriblee sawry, end weell naver doo et agin
Yer stil a Mo'fo, haowevr.
